Long and dense hair is something I have never had. I came to know that when I was born, I didn’t even have a tiny speck of hair on my head. It was more like a fermented dough - fluffy, smooth and round; it hasn’t changed much in the last few decades. Maybe my head is not fluffy anymore.
But I have a few friends - men, especially the ones in music industry, love to flaunt their long hair. It is their belief that the length of the hair is directly proportional to the creativity quotient. They believe it gives them an instantly recognisable identity, er, though they can quite easily be mistaken for more than one pick pocket/ chain snatcher in the criminal list stuck on to the pillars of railway stations and bus stands. Guys, you have a seriously wrong notion of ‘art and eccentricity go together’; your mirrors are lying to you. What you see in the mirror is a Bill Weasley charming enough to win Fleur Delacor’s hand. What we see is a Severus Snape with greasy and lousy hair, who stayed single and kept sending patronuses in remembrance of Lily Evans.
But let’s leave those negative aspects in barber shop and let’s focus on the objective of this article. I have invented 7 uses of ridiculously long hair, which even the ones who grew it didn’t know.
1. You can have an ecosystem on your head
Usually, people like you have lice in the hair. When you have so much real estate, why breed just lice and mosquitoes? You can introduce other creatures like snakes, lizards, rodents and even migratory birds. While you crave for a special status in music industry, you can officially get your head declared as a biodiversity zone; now that’s one special status, right?
2. You have an all-in-one cleaner
Sweep the floor instantly, ditch the steel wool and use your hair instead to wash those vessels and scrub off dirt on surfaces. You can even clean toilet sink with it! But make sure you do not transfer your own dirt on to the floor and other surfaces.
3. Escape from debts
Next time the debtor comes in, why search for a hiding place? Spread your hair and hide underneath. Even if he knows you are there, he won’t risk enraging venomous snakes on your head.
4. Wander freely amidst a sandstorm
Cover your face with your hair when there is a sandstorm. Even a single grain of sand can’t get past beyond that sand filter. I assure you only of not dying due to choking and gasping for breath during this sandstorm. But you can still die of the stink.
5. Attack someone
While you can unleash all those creatures in the ecosystem, you can also us the hair to strike the opponent’s eyes with precision. Apply maanja paste on the hair and attack them in one swirling action. They will bleed to death. With that maanja clad hair, you can also do sandblasting of old metal objects that need to be restored.
6. Be a jockey
You don’t need a whip to control a horse. You can whip with your hair in a controlled head movement. But don’t do it frantically; since your hair is ridiculously long, it might very well reach the horse running beside yours or even worse, it will reach your horse’s face and obstruct its vision. Or the horse might mistake it for charred grass and bite your hair off.
7. Hang yourself to death handsomely
As I mentioned earlier your hair is a lethal weapon. Naturally, you can kill yourself too. But you can use it in more creative ways on yourself than on others. A few examples - don’t go in search of rope to hang yourself, your hair is already a great tool. Send your hair into one ear, pick it through the other and in one swift swiping action, take your brain out.
Note: Thanks to my friend Muthumoorthy; I dedicate this article to him.
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