Yours Accidentally

Memories are indestructible; but most often, only the worst of them get etched deeper in the annals of past and give you nightmares. You might hit the sack hoping to relive the time you earned a gold medal in Physics, but end up seeing the dog that took with it a chunk of your bum years ago baring its teeth. I don't need to say what is the first thing you will check, once you are awake. 

You cannot predict when and how accidents happen; even the most conducive environments can concoct catastrophe - ask someone who tried to boil eggs in a microwave oven. He/ she would be ogling at the oven and without any warning, whammy, the oven's door would plant a unicorn's horn (that's horny!) with an enormous force on his/ her forehead. But the worst might sometimes bring you the best. For instance, if the person wears spectacles while getting hit, he/ she might actually get lucky - the door would slam on the spectacles and might permanently fix those lenses on to his/ her eyes - no need to wear contact lenses or glasses! That's convenient, right? Er, unless it's like this…

or this

I have gone through such accidents too and I would like to share a few of them here. 

When I was seven years old I wanted more of some snacks my mother had prepared. She refused and when she was away, I started frying it myself. The vessel got tilted and I fried a bit of myself. Now, there were a few good outcomes. First - No one has/ had/ would ever see me running at such a pace in their lives - faster than any nut & bolt. Damn, I could run fast - if that's possible, anything else is possible too - Rahul Gandhi becoming a great sensible orator, Arnab Goswami keeping quiet in a debate, meaningful Tamil films, Chennai commuters following every traffic rule - the incident gave me such an optimism. Secondly, I started to think if I could fry myself that good, I can fry anything else far better than that. So, that's the secret behind my culinary skills.

During my school days, I found my interest in repairing electrical and electronic equipments, of course, by trial and error i.e. with sparks and short circuits. But I had never received serious electric shock until that day, when I was an apprentice at a computer consultancy. They were cleaning up the attic and salvaging usable parts from the junk. I found a SMPS (Switched Mode Power Supply). I asked them if it worked; they told me to find out. It was a SMPS for AT cabinet. Unlike the modern towers, they had a conventional switch that connected directly to 230V AC and was switched on with a push button loaded with spring. The switch is placed behind a plastic button in the cabinet, when it's mounted. 

Without knowing the terminals were exposed, I held the switch on hand, switched it on and electrocuted myself. Voila I could say I did some spectacular tap dance for a few seconds before someone saved me with a stick. Though I felt uncomfortably numb and dumb for a few minutes, later I realised that electrocuting can melt fat. I tried that again after a few years by accidentally placing my hand on exposed terminals in the hostel, while trying to reach for the light switch; I lit up the room without switching it on; cool isn't it? Those who jog in the morning; eat fruits and roti to reduce weight; go to gym and come back with twisted limbs doing what you can't, this one is for you. Stop doing all that and try inserting some wires in your ears tonight. You might lose a lot of weight doing it. 

^^^ This guy followed my instructions and shed some weight! 

Who knows; people believe anything. If they believe in the magic tricks of 'saints' in India, they might believe in this as well and try it.

Part 2 of this extremely useful article is coming soon….stay tuned - ok that's an expression people still use, yet belongs to the museum, right? Keep checking this blog (Anyhow, I know I need to share it in Facebook and plead to you again to read that).

This might save your life, one day!

Hijackers and terrorists are always alert and they come prepared for surprises. They know they might come across an army man or some spoilt brat inspired by hollywood movies who would rise up to the occasion and try to attack them. So, they plan out everything well that an attack on them would be ineffective even if Chuck Norris is in the plane. Success against those hijackers doesn't depend on brutal force, but on an element of surprise brought out with the cunningness of a fox. Do the unexpected and terrorists will be down in no time. So, let me give you my precious ideas for tackling such a situation. One day, you might thank me for these life-saving ideas.

Foolproof ways to tackle flight hijackers

Idea 1. 

I don't know about others, but Indians should be able to do this easily because they do it every now and then. Take out the chewing gum from the mouth and stick it to the muzzle of the hijacker's gun and seal it completely when he passes beside you. Once dry, nothing can take that thing off. If he tries to shoot you, then the gun might 'backfire' literally, and you would become a hero in a day. But dear fellow Indians, if you accidentally stick it on your seat as usual, out of habit, then you would be left behind with your bottom sticking to the seat, when there is an emergency landing and evacuation.

Idea 2. 

When the hijacker goes past you, follow him silently and then suddenly press the rubber chicken you bought for your 2 year old kid. The chicken sound will scare the $^&t out of him. You might wonder how it would work. But put yourself in the shoes of the hijacker. He would not be expecting chicken to fly at around 30,000 feet in level with the plane (intact, no one would). So, he would assume the flight must have lost altitude and must be flying right above a farm. He would panic and that's an element of surprise, isn't it? Gunshots don't scare hijackers; but rubber chicken does. If you are lucky the hijacker might pass out due to shock. If not, make a pig's grunting sound; that will confirm his fears. Use that exact moment to pull his feet from below. Who knows, with Sethupathy IPS in the pilot's seat, you may really end up landing on a farm!

Idea 3.

Drop a 5 Rupee coin beside you in the path. The greedy hijacker would never like to miss such a fat chance. He would bend down to pocket the treasure. Stick your index finger in your ear tightly, rotate it twice, take it out and insert it into his mouth or nose. Game over. But, get ready to face Human Rights commission over such apathy and brutality.

Idea 4 (Works only in Kingfisher Flights)

Call the flight attendant; point your finger toward the hijacker and say, "he has taken control over your Kingfisher flight (last word in silence)". Most certainly, the attendant would assume the hijacker must have bought Vijay Mallya's shares and that he is responsible for all the miseries in her life. She would thrash him single handedly.

Idea 5

Play with psychology; implant false terrorising thoughts in the hijacker's mind. For instance, take out a newspaper and (pretend to) read loudly, "Since last two weeks the flights are being maintained by Southern Railway." The very thought of carrying bedbugs and bandicoot rats would drive him mad that he would flush himself out of the plane's toilet.

Posted by a geek in the year 2025

Google is introducing glasses that pair with a smartphones and act as a voice controlled remote transceiver. There is a rumour about Apple working on an iWatch with similar modus operandi. Clearly, they are trying to integrate technology with human body by means of wearable accessories. What 's the next logical step? Let's close the eyes and dive into the mystique depths of future to bring out what it holds, with the help of some grotesque eccentricity.

iPhone has been re-branded into ivPhone (intravenal phone - there's a lawsuit against Samsung for blatantly copying it with 'Galaxy pulse' powered by Android 20.1 sourgrapes). ivPhone seamlessly integrates with the human body. In the past, Apple had always offered to engrave custom text on ipods; following the tradition, this time around, Apple engraves you with the ivPhone literally in your body! True to its brand name, ivPhone draws blood into its bye-pass channel from your blood vessel and converts the blood sugar into electricity and uses it to power the device. (If you think it's insane to think on these lines, check this out -> http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=bacterial-battery-convert)

Users are advised to eat for the sake of their phones also (If you think people will easily burn up their fat, you are wrong. One cup of vanilla milk shake or a hamburger will be just enough to power  'Angry Birds' game for 15 minutes! How many burgers and milk shakes would they have in a day, just for playing angry birds?! Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, right?)

The phone integrates with your central nervous system by means of the patented lighting iv port (users of the previous model are angry with Apple for abandoning the support for legacy ports. Chinese accessories manufacturer cheap2core has brought the rip offs of lightning iv cables and accessories even before Apple could bring its own line-up to the market!). Left ear acts as the WiFi antenna and the right one transceives 10G data (Apple will give you free ear studs to tackle 'ear-gate'). Wisdom tooth doubles up as Bluetooth transceiver.

ios 18, the most advanced bionic OS in the world, integrates hardware, software and your body in the most secure way. It is easy and intuitive to operate the ivPhone. Just think of someone and his/her contact info will pop up in your thought instantly. Silent Siri transcodes your thoughts and communicates with ivPhone through your nerves. When you decide your means of communication Silent Siri asks you to think the message you want to communicate (If you are too drunk, Siri kindly reminds your brain to shut the f@%# up if it tries to post some crappy status messages in facebook or if it tries to call up your Ex).

Voice calls are technically just 'calls' as they are done without voice as brains do the talking and mouths are strictly for chewing and recharging purposes only. You hear the calls in your ears, converse inside your head and watch things in your eyes. Retina display is not just another brand gimmick. Display is screened on your retina to give you the 'life-like experience'. Capture high resolution with the "eyesight" (not the legacy 'isight' camera) . Unlimited apps, songs, videos and all other data can be stored in your brain, obviously.

Meanwhile Microsoft has announced its own state of the art operating system Windows 17 1/2 baked Less-than-Pro edition. Microsoft's CEO Mr. Steve Ballmer said, "There is nothing called the Post PC Era. We strongly believe seamless Hardware, software and body integration is the way of future. Body-integrated PC's running Windows 17 1/2 baked does that better than anything else. Of course we were the first to integrate these. 5 years ago, we proved ears can be used as ram slots." Mr. Ballmer flagged of a demo of the body- integrated hardware running Windows. Unfortunately, the person who volunteered for the demo fainted, as Mr. Ballmer had plugged Flash drives in his nostrils and shoved a DVD in his mouth and shouted "Demonstrators, demonstrators, demonstrators". Clearly, they have taken a different approach in integration. Besides, the OS had corrupted his brains and Microsoft Engineers are trying as hard as they can to find if it is possible to format human brains with NTFS file system.

However, there is a sudden surge in demand for the 'body-integrated PCs', as people see it as a means to permanently shut down their enemies or troublesome people (say, spouses!), or hack and steal their personal data (things like extra-marital affairs) for various purposes. People got curious, when the news of a Windows enthusiast being found at the streets staring with Blue (not screen) Eyes of Death.  Latest reports say that Microsoft is happy with the response and is putting up "Hackability" and "Screwability" as USPs in the website.