Imprint of Veins

I have seen innumerable failures;
I have gone through excruciating pain;
and I have felt inexplicable anguish, yet you think I am comfortable.

I have been irrationally compared against; 

I have been dismissed as an insignificant being;
I have been neglected for my introversion;

and i have been loathed for what I am.
Yet, there is someone, somewhere, envying my smile;
craving for my luxuries; and desiring to be me. 

If you think I am too distant, you are wrong. If you believe I am so different, 

then you are mistaken. I am as afraid as you are.
I am as skeptical, about what is about to unfold, as you are.
I only know I am as brittle as the weakest substance you know of. 

Yet, I make an effort to spread hope and happiness. 

I don't need a saviour.
I don't seek refuge.
I am just engaged in a quest for truth. Yet, I won't deny 

I am the only bird in my cage; I occupy my cranial prison.

This is not a poem;
Nor is it a soliloquy. I can't masquerade behind a sad autobiography either; 

yet I won't deny that this is not my lament.

Now that you have read my veins; brood on your story of life, 

Trace back your steps and kick my blabber aside; yet, 

be the goodness in me and banish our common vices; 

and be a better person than I am, for I see 

a better me in a benevolent you!

- Me

What you can’t do with your head can be achieved with your hair

Long and dense hair is something I have never had. I came to know that when I was born, I didn’t even have a tiny speck of hair on my head. It was more like a fermented dough - fluffy, smooth and round; it hasn’t changed much in the last few decades. Maybe my head is not fluffy anymore. 

But I have a few friends - men, especially the ones in music industry, love to flaunt their long hair. It is their belief that the length of the hair is directly proportional to the creativity quotient. They believe it gives them an instantly recognisable identity, er, though they can quite easily be mistaken for more than one pick pocket/ chain snatcher in the criminal list stuck on to the pillars of railway stations and bus stands. Guys, you have a seriously wrong notion of ‘art and eccentricity go together’; your mirrors are lying to you. What you see in the mirror is a Bill Weasley charming enough to win Fleur Delacor’s hand. What we see is a Severus Snape with greasy and lousy hair, who stayed single and kept sending patronuses in remembrance of Lily Evans.

But let’s leave those negative aspects in barber shop and let’s focus on the objective of this article. I have invented 7 uses of ridiculously long hair, which even the ones who grew it didn’t know.

1. You can have an ecosystem on your head

Usually, people like you have lice in the hair. When you have so much real estate, why breed just lice and mosquitoes? You can introduce other creatures like snakes, lizards, rodents and even migratory birds. While you crave for a special status in music industry, you can officially get your head declared as a biodiversity zone; now that’s one special status, right? 

2. You have an all-in-one cleaner

Sweep the floor instantly, ditch the steel wool and use your hair instead to wash those vessels and scrub off dirt on surfaces. You can even clean toilet sink with it! But make sure you do not transfer your own dirt on to the floor and other surfaces.

3. Escape from debts

Next time the debtor comes in, why search for a hiding place? Spread your hair and hide underneath. Even if he knows you are there, he won’t risk enraging venomous snakes on your head.

4. Wander freely amidst a sandstorm

Cover your face with your hair when there is a sandstorm. Even a single grain of sand can’t get past beyond that sand filter. I assure you only of not dying due to choking and gasping for breath during this sandstorm. But you can still die of the stink.

5. Attack someone

While you can unleash all those creatures in the ecosystem, you can also us the hair to strike the opponent’s eyes with precision. Apply maanja paste on the hair and attack them in one swirling action. They will bleed to death. With that maanja clad hair, you can also do sandblasting of old metal objects that need to be restored.

6. Be a jockey

You don’t need a whip to control a horse. You can whip with your hair in a controlled head movement. But don’t do it frantically; since your hair is ridiculously long, it might very well reach the horse running beside yours or even worse, it will reach your horse’s face and obstruct its vision. Or the horse might mistake it for charred grass and bite your hair off.

7. Hang yourself to death handsomely

As I mentioned earlier your hair is a lethal weapon. Naturally, you can kill yourself too. But you can use it in more creative ways on yourself than on others. A few examples - don’t go in search of rope to hang yourself, your hair is already a great tool. Send your hair into one ear, pick it through the other and in one swift swiping action, take your brain out. 

Note: Thanks to my friend Muthumoorthy; I dedicate this article to him.

The best F1 driver…Part I

In India, Formula1 was not as popular before 2000 as it is now. The Indian media started covering the sport, when Michael Schumacher created a lot of excitement on track and made the sport more popular. After the advent of Narain Karthikeyan in F1, Indian media took keen interest and wrote more and more about the sport. 

Besides, a new breed of automobile-loving elite audience surfaced after a few years of globalisation. It coincided with the success of Schumacher; they started watching the sport and spread the word that Schumacher was the best; and Ferrari was the benchmark. Not just Indians, but also a lot of people living across the world accept it. And this opinion snowball has been rolling in the internet with polls being conducted and forums discussing Schumacher is better than anyone else. What if I decide to differ?

The problem with a lot of people is, they believe they know everything. They claim they know what lies beyond the horizon; they might not have looked beyond the terrace wall. Ask them who is Stefan Bellof; ask them who is Gilles Villeneuve; ask them if they know Emerson Fittipaldi. They won’t know. Ask them if they have watched any of those drivers on track. They would not have watched; yet if you say Schumacher could be considered the second best and they have not just seen the better one who existed before Schumacher started winning, they will defame you and label you an idiot. Let them do their worst; I’ll stand by my judgement. Ayrton Senna was the best driver ever.

(Left to Right): Ayrton Senna, Alain Prost, Nigel Mansell & Nelson Piquet Sr.

I started watching F1 long before Michael Schumacher won his first championship on a Benetton Ford. Cable TV gave us the choice to watch something other than DD; but there were only three channels those days - DD, Star TV (I don’t remember if Star Sports was there) and Star Plus. When I was a child I would write grammatically flawless English. But I couldn’t understand the English they spoke in the TV channels. So, I would watch anything that is visually appealing. Crystal maze was one such show; F1 was the other.

During those days, Ayrton Senna, Alain Prost, Nigel Mansell and Nelson Piquet Sr. were the ones who often occupied the podium. All of them were great drivers who won championships out of sheer skill; but Senna would shine uniquely like a diamond amidst crystals. Even when I could not understand the sport, it was a treat to watch the qualifying sessions, where he would appear noticeably faster and fiercer on TV. I have seen both Senna and Schumacher; only Senna’s driving got deeply etched in my memories.

If you wish to loathe me and shower verbal abuse for placing Senna above Schumacher, you should first understand why I believe so. Since the popular opinion was against my own, last month, I went to youtube and watched a lot of races again and again to check if my judgement is wrong. Those were not about just Senna’s driving, but also that of the other legends I had mentioned. But at the end, I had a even stronger feeling that I was right. My next post will point out why I believe Senna was better than Schumacher.

PS. Anyone can have an opinion. If you believe Schumacher is the best, I have no intention to convince you to change your mind. I respect your opinion, though I don’t agree with it. But abusing me or shaming me for having a different opinion is unacceptable and I have become a bit less tolerant towards idiocy these days. 

The Megamyth

Before starting, let me clarify a few things

1. I have never tried shooting with a Nokia 1020

2. This is not a comparison between Nokia 1020 and any other phone. 

3. This is not a critical review of Nokia Lumia 1020. I am mentioning it in this post, since it is considered as the benchmark for picture resolution.

4. It is just a rough guide for finding an ideal camera phone

Mobile phones have rapidly become the preferred photographic devices in the past 2-3 years. The trend is rooting itself firmly in place and the social media is full of pictures shot with mobile phones. The biggest surprise comes from Flickr, a platform in which amateur and professional photographers share pictures. iPhones top the list of the most popular cameras in the site. 

Recently, I watched the Nokia Lumia 1020 ad campaign. In one of those ads, people fight to capture images of an event from the front row, while a couple sit in the last row to capture it with the phone’s 41 megapixel camera and crop it up close. Does it mean it is the best mobile phone camera ever made? The one with the most megapixels? Certainly not! MORE MEGAPIXELS DO NOT NECESSARILY MEAN BETTER IMAGE QUALITY!

If megapixels mean everything, professional photographers would ditch their Hasselblads and Mamiyas and get Nokia Lumia 1020 for professional photography. Even the venerable full frame Nikon D800 has a mere 36 MP sensor! If megapixels don’t mean anything, what matters the most in photography?

1. Sensor size: Pixel Density

Imagine a crate filled edge to edge with 12 round vessels. Your responsibility is to capture in those vessels as much water from a hose pipe as possible. 12 wide vessels capture certain amount of water in a given time. Replace the 12 vessels with 24 round vessels half their size. They would have collected less amount of water within that span, since more metal surfaces occupy more space and leave more gaps in between. 

It is the same with an imaging sensor. In a full frame imaging sensor, 12 MP captures more light than a 24 MP sensor. Now, imagine shrinking the crate and vessels 8.5 times the original size. That is how a mobile phone sensor is designed. So, 12 Megapixels in a mobile phone sensor is not the same as it is in a DSLR sensor. With image processing getting better every year, it’s possible to have an acceptable 10 MP mobile camera. 41 is insane and it is just a marketing gimmick.

Besides, most of us do photography to fill facebook albums. Facebook does not store images in the same resolution as we upload. It downsizes and compresses the images to a lower quality (even with the high definition checked) that a 2MP image is ok for Facebook. A 4MP image has enough pixels to fill up a retina display with the highest resolution. An 8MP file can be printed on a A3 poster without perceivable loss in quality. 41 MP image is, in most situations, overkill or even worthless without downsizing! In a mobile phone, ideally, the sensor should be as big as possible and the megapixels should be kept within the sane best - 5 to 8 would be perfect, to achieve a good image quality.

2. Lens configuration:

In layman’s language, a camera’s lens captures image and shrinks it to fit in a sensor, where it would be converted into a digital image. It’s easy to describe like that; but lens is a very complex hardware; it’s not the same as the one used in a magnifying glass.

Light has three primary colours - Red, Blue and Green. Light bends, when it enters the lens. When it does, all the three colours do not bend at the same speed. So, more and more lens elements are added to realign them. If the colours are not realigned, chromatic aberration occurs. And a lens should not have reflections within; otherwise, the images are plagued by ghosting. So, special anti-reflection coatings are applied on lens elements, while manufacturing. There are a lot more issues, such as distortions, light fall-off, etc. Lens design has to keep those issues within acceptable limits.

With bigger lens barrels, SLRs have the luxury of having many lens elements to achieve the ideal quality of image captured on the sensor. Compact cameras have lesser space, as the lens barrel has to be retracted inside the camera body when switched off. Mobile phones are the least flexible in terms of lens design as they are tiny and fixed. Miniaturising an SLR lens setup to that extent is impossible. So, a mobile phone manufacturer’s ultimate goal is to use the limited space well to achieve the best image quality possible at a fixed wide angle without compromises. 

Even in the case of Nikon’s D800 DSLR, the 36 MP sensor is highly demanding and many lenses do not meet the resolution of the sensor. Only the top grade lenses that cost a fortune can be used with a D800 to extract the quality out of it. It is nearly impossible to have a great lens for 41 MP mobile phone camera.

3. Low light performance

The ISO equivalent values of a sensor determine how a camera shoots in low light. The sensitivity of the sensor to light increases with the ISO value. When the sensor is more sensitive, the exposure time (shutter speed) can be very low despite poor lighting conditions, making it possible to capture a useful image at low light. If it takes more time to expose, the pictures will be shaky. 

But not every camera captures useful images in low light, as boosting ISO values is tricky. When ISO increase boosts the sensitivity of the sensor, it does not just stop with amplifying the light signals/ pixels, it also amplifies the visible noise also. As a result, artefacts show up and there would be a loss of detail. It requires cutting edge firmware and software to keep the noise at bay and mitigate the details. The processing power of a camera is dedicated for that purpose. 

But a mobile phone’s processing power is shared for many other purposes; infact, processing images is not its main purpose. Hence, no matter what, it is better not to force the phone to process too much of data (like giving a 41 megapixel file at high ISO to clean, remove noise and compress into a jpeg file). Otherwise, it would be stuck in terrible lag, lower battery life, etc.

4. Response

A camera should always be ready to take a photo when you wish to. Time taken to open the camera interface, focusing speed and shutter lag are some of the most vital things for a camera, because, these issues can ruin an opportunity to shoot a photo. A moment once missed may not show up again forever. While a 41MP mobile phone camera need not have any of those issues, it certainly will take more time to process the image and compress it into a jpeg file; meanwhile, you would have to wait until it allows you to shoot again. 

If a mobile phone camera has a good sensor, lens, response times and low light performance, you can buy it without any doubts. But it would be vital to consider the following points before using a phone as your primary camera.

1. Shooting images with a smartphone for a long time may significantly reduce its battery life. Remember, you need battery life for more important purposes.

2. If you are serious about photography, buy a camera with manual controls. Smartphones don’t let you override their auto settings.

3. Smartphones don’t let you control the Depth Of the Field much. If you want to have a better control over aperture values, go and get a camera with manual controls; preferably an SLR.

4. If you want to set up creative lighting with speedlights/ studio setup, forget your mobile phone camera.

5. A mobile phone camera is not a professional tool. Yes, pictures shot with mobile phone cameras are being published these days. But those phones are not legitimate replacements for a dedicated camera. If you love photography and want to experiment, get a camera instead of a smartphone. 

Bat Stinks

The ideas of 'superhero' and 'angry young man' are a means to deceive people and make them believe that someone else will be the saviour/ change maker. If you start loving superheroes, it means you are forgetting the fact that you have the duty to participate in a democracy. You will wait for someone to bring a change; you will be a passive spectator instead of hitting the streets to protest and let your voice be heard.

Among all those superheroes, one stands out with unique attributes of glaring idiocy. And that's na na na na na na na na Batman. I think Bat stinks like Bat poop because of the following qualities.

1. Saying "I'm Batman" all the time is a self-proclamation that sounds more like "Naan jailukku poren, naan jailukku poren; naanum periya rowdythan" - Veen vilambaram.

2. Superheroes do their duty, save people and world; once done, they leave. Only this bat strives for brand visibility. Bat beacon, for instance, is a tool for brand visibility; can't you send an SMS to Battie? Is this how one should fight crime?

3. No superhero is as self obsessed as Battie. Bat focuses more on costume and gadget design than on crime fighting. No superhero wears suits made of Kevlar & titanium. No superhero spends time designing a customised car that can split into an absurd batpod that is more impractical than a Dodge Tomahawk.

4. What's Bat's corporation doing - Manufacturing arms to make money and fight crime? It means the Bat's corporation kills more innocent people than all the bat villains combined!

5. Bat villains are all psychopaths who just want to commit crimes for sheer pleasure; how's that possible? How many criminals you have read about did crimes for pleasure? In Gotham city, all villains are like that. I guess Bat pays them behind screens to act, so that he can wear the suit and pretend to fight crime; What a maniac!

So, if you are desperately in need of a more sensible crime fighter, follow the Phantom or Tex Willer. They are down-to-earth commoners living amidst ordinary people. They fight against threats that endanger marginalised communities. They are easily accessible and they are not the morons who depend on customised gadgets and brands for survival and visibility. More importantly, they don't project themselves or their brand while fighting crime; they in fact accept and acknowledge people's participation (Tex Willer does).

PS. This post is dedicated to my friend Berty Ashley.

Yours Accidentally

Memories are indestructible; but most often, only the worst of them get etched deeper in the annals of past and give you nightmares. You might hit the sack hoping to relive the time you earned a gold medal in Physics, but end up seeing the dog that took with it a chunk of your bum years ago baring its teeth. I don't need to say what is the first thing you will check, once you are awake. 

You cannot predict when and how accidents happen; even the most conducive environments can concoct catastrophe - ask someone who tried to boil eggs in a microwave oven. He/ she would be ogling at the oven and without any warning, whammy, the oven's door would plant a unicorn's horn (that's horny!) with an enormous force on his/ her forehead. But the worst might sometimes bring you the best. For instance, if the person wears spectacles while getting hit, he/ she might actually get lucky - the door would slam on the spectacles and might permanently fix those lenses on to his/ her eyes - no need to wear contact lenses or glasses! That's convenient, right? Er, unless it's like this…

or this

I have gone through such accidents too and I would like to share a few of them here. 

When I was seven years old I wanted more of some snacks my mother had prepared. She refused and when she was away, I started frying it myself. The vessel got tilted and I fried a bit of myself. Now, there were a few good outcomes. First - No one has/ had/ would ever see me running at such a pace in their lives - faster than any nut & bolt. Damn, I could run fast - if that's possible, anything else is possible too - Rahul Gandhi becoming a great sensible orator, Arnab Goswami keeping quiet in a debate, meaningful Tamil films, Chennai commuters following every traffic rule - the incident gave me such an optimism. Secondly, I started to think if I could fry myself that good, I can fry anything else far better than that. So, that's the secret behind my culinary skills.

During my school days, I found my interest in repairing electrical and electronic equipments, of course, by trial and error i.e. with sparks and short circuits. But I had never received serious electric shock until that day, when I was an apprentice at a computer consultancy. They were cleaning up the attic and salvaging usable parts from the junk. I found a SMPS (Switched Mode Power Supply). I asked them if it worked; they told me to find out. It was a SMPS for AT cabinet. Unlike the modern towers, they had a conventional switch that connected directly to 230V AC and was switched on with a push button loaded with spring. The switch is placed behind a plastic button in the cabinet, when it's mounted. 

Without knowing the terminals were exposed, I held the switch on hand, switched it on and electrocuted myself. Voila I could say I did some spectacular tap dance for a few seconds before someone saved me with a stick. Though I felt uncomfortably numb and dumb for a few minutes, later I realised that electrocuting can melt fat. I tried that again after a few years by accidentally placing my hand on exposed terminals in the hostel, while trying to reach for the light switch; I lit up the room without switching it on; cool isn't it? Those who jog in the morning; eat fruits and roti to reduce weight; go to gym and come back with twisted limbs doing what you can't, this one is for you. Stop doing all that and try inserting some wires in your ears tonight. You might lose a lot of weight doing it. 

^^^ This guy followed my instructions and shed some weight! 

Who knows; people believe anything. If they believe in the magic tricks of 'saints' in India, they might believe in this as well and try it.

Part 2 of this extremely useful article is coming soon….stay tuned - ok that's an expression people still use, yet belongs to the museum, right? Keep checking this blog (Anyhow, I know I need to share it in Facebook and plead to you again to read that).

This might save your life, one day!

Hijackers and terrorists are always alert and they come prepared for surprises. They know they might come across an army man or some spoilt brat inspired by hollywood movies who would rise up to the occasion and try to attack them. So, they plan out everything well that an attack on them would be ineffective even if Chuck Norris is in the plane. Success against those hijackers doesn't depend on brutal force, but on an element of surprise brought out with the cunningness of a fox. Do the unexpected and terrorists will be down in no time. So, let me give you my precious ideas for tackling such a situation. One day, you might thank me for these life-saving ideas.

Foolproof ways to tackle flight hijackers

Idea 1. 

I don't know about others, but Indians should be able to do this easily because they do it every now and then. Take out the chewing gum from the mouth and stick it to the muzzle of the hijacker's gun and seal it completely when he passes beside you. Once dry, nothing can take that thing off. If he tries to shoot you, then the gun might 'backfire' literally, and you would become a hero in a day. But dear fellow Indians, if you accidentally stick it on your seat as usual, out of habit, then you would be left behind with your bottom sticking to the seat, when there is an emergency landing and evacuation.

Idea 2. 

When the hijacker goes past you, follow him silently and then suddenly press the rubber chicken you bought for your 2 year old kid. The chicken sound will scare the $^&t out of him. You might wonder how it would work. But put yourself in the shoes of the hijacker. He would not be expecting chicken to fly at around 30,000 feet in level with the plane (intact, no one would). So, he would assume the flight must have lost altitude and must be flying right above a farm. He would panic and that's an element of surprise, isn't it? Gunshots don't scare hijackers; but rubber chicken does. If you are lucky the hijacker might pass out due to shock. If not, make a pig's grunting sound; that will confirm his fears. Use that exact moment to pull his feet from below. Who knows, with Sethupathy IPS in the pilot's seat, you may really end up landing on a farm!

Idea 3.

Drop a 5 Rupee coin beside you in the path. The greedy hijacker would never like to miss such a fat chance. He would bend down to pocket the treasure. Stick your index finger in your ear tightly, rotate it twice, take it out and insert it into his mouth or nose. Game over. But, get ready to face Human Rights commission over such apathy and brutality.

Idea 4 (Works only in Kingfisher Flights)

Call the flight attendant; point your finger toward the hijacker and say, "he has taken control over your Kingfisher flight (last word in silence)". Most certainly, the attendant would assume the hijacker must have bought Vijay Mallya's shares and that he is responsible for all the miseries in her life. She would thrash him single handedly.

Idea 5

Play with psychology; implant false terrorising thoughts in the hijacker's mind. For instance, take out a newspaper and (pretend to) read loudly, "Since last two weeks the flights are being maintained by Southern Railway." The very thought of carrying bedbugs and bandicoot rats would drive him mad that he would flush himself out of the plane's toilet.